Liam's Martial Arts Diary entry 23

Diary entry number Twenty Three

This entry will chiefly be the first few page of the script for 'Kill Beale 2: Revenge of zombie Ken'.

Hope you like it, or not. Depending on if I like you that much.

Revenge of zombie ken--------------------------------------------------------

Act One
Scene one: Black screen, the appropriate credits appear. Triumphant, yet
escalatingly scary music plays. The music quietens to a near silence but the
darkness remains.

Ashley (Gritty and jaded. Ashley is obviously the hero of the piece, your
regular badly drawn out miserable tough-guy hero.) : It was a cold day when
we found out that Masa was alive. So cold. The ground was frosty. My feet
were pretty cold even though I was wearing these special socks. But that's
not important. It was cold all right. Freezing cold.
(Screen filled by still picture of zombie Ken from previous film. Like slide
from slideshow.)
Ashley: It was like the world had lost it's soul. That God pulled the rug
from under our feet and said, 'Ha ha fuckers, you fell over'. It was like
Masa was the devil and we were no more than mortal men running about after
him like cleaning up him mess. But that's not masa here. (Pause.) But that's
not Masa, oh no.
(Slide changes to slow motion footage of liam snapping Masa's neck. Close up
on Masa's face.)
Ashley: Masa's the person who should have died.
(Sound bite of neck snapping. Footage freezes.)
Ashley: Here.
(Screen resumes to still picture of zombie Ken.)
Ashley: One in twenty five chance of surviving getting your neck snapped
apparently. No, now we have a much bigger problem on our hands, no thanks to
Masa. You're kidding yourself if you think that nothing can get to you, at
best you're temporarily dead, but a lightning bolt can reanimate you in an
instant. No. This isn't Masa. This is much worse. Something that nobody
could predict....

Booming red text: Kill Beale two: The Revenge of Zombie Ken Stupid deep, out of place voice: The Revenge of zombie Ken!

Softer, white text: A Krishnan Nair film (That will haunt him in later
life.)
Starring Ashley Accot as the loveable Smashley Chan,
Liam Beale as the women he loved
Kenith Shum as Zombie Ken
(etc etc.)

(Slow fade to Ashley leaning against a car with the sun setting in the
background in 'Punisher'-esque fashion.)
Ashley: But I won't punish him, oh no, punishing implies that I'll get an
equal -- No wait, I won't GET REVENGE, revenge implies that I'll get an
equal amount of err violence, when really I just want to, to hurt people.
Well not really hurt anyone. Stuff like poking someone with a ice lolly and
telling him that he's actually being burnt with a blowtorch, nothing too
nasty, even if they DID help kill my entire family. I will PUNISH people.
But come to think of it that's kind of the same as revenge, so forget that I
said anything.
(As he's saying this the owner of the car comes along, a load of kids get
in the back and the car drives off. He stands around not sure of what to
do.)

Scene Two: Masa's house.
(Ashley's car pulls up outside the house.)
Ashley: When I found out I did all that I could to put an end to it. I found
Masa's house through a computer hacker known as 'the Dandroid.' If his
information was correct, than Masa was living in a secrete house in Milton
Keynes, England. Clever bastard.
(Ashley goes to boot of car and pulls out gun and baseball bat. We see also
that he is kitted out with numerous weapons and sunglasses etc. He
approaches the door. And rings it. Inside shot of feet walking toward the
door and then close up of the hand opening it. As this happens some over the
top heavy rock music starts up and will continue throughout the scene until
the very end. It start up with the words " ARE YOU RREEEEADDDY!" Being
screamed in a cliché stupid American rock fashion.)
(Ashley smashes the baseball bat into Masa's mother as she opens the door.
She falls down and he passes through into the house. He steps nearly in
perfect time to the music and unnecessarily starts smashing things, there
is a montage of an item on the floor and then him smashing it. One of these
is a blatantly toy dog, but a barking sound is played as he hits it.)
Ashley: Where are you Masa!!!!?
(Ashley runs into the living room where masa's dad is reading a newspaper.
When Masa's dad sees Ashley he stands up and starts flowering with a pair of
nunchuku. Ash grabs him and throws a haymaker hook punch that obviously
doesn't connect. Masa's dad falls. There's a shot of Ashley which has masa
running past in the background. Ashley turns and runs after him. Masa runs
out the front and Ashley follows him, but when Ashley get that far out he
realises that Masa is too far away to catch up with. Ashely falls to his
knees and the music stops.)
Ashley (Angry, punching ground.): Fuck! That fucking fucker! FUUUCCCCK!!!

Scene two: The shaolin temple
(Film of Chinese mountains, skilfully cut to my back garden. Jason and
Darron are underneath a tree in some kind of kung fu outfit. Darron has a
cigarette in one hand.)
Ashley: Mean while Liam was still training in the shaloin temple. After his
last battle with Masa he realised that he needed much training. He sought
out the legendary Master Wong and begged him for training.
Darron: It's like a finger pointing to the moon, (Points to sky.) Don't
focus on the finger or you'll miss all that heavenly glory Jason (Apathetically.): What the hell is that supposed to mean? (Darron pauses. It's obvious that he's never thought about it.)
Darron: You know, just, don't look at your fingers. When you're fighting.
Look- Look at the moon....
(Jason starts to walk off.)
Darron: Hey come back! Come on! Please. Really! I need the money, my wife's
gonna kill me!!!
(Liam comes along. He bows at Master Wong.)
Liam: Master Wong, I have venture far and wide to beg you to train me.
Please I have long fought against the forces of evil and am sure that I
could....
Darron: Sure! We start at a one off payment of $300 dollars US, and a one
time membership fee of $150. After that it's $560 per month for room and
food. Did you take escort to get to the temple/
Liam: No, I walked.
Darron: Then that's an extra $100. Sorry.
Liam: So you accept me!?
Darron: Yes, I also accept visa.
(Montage of training things. Some really pointless, like Darron laughing and
throwing rocks at him, and him squirming.)
Ashley: Liam trained long and hard, and with the infinite wisdom of master
Wong reached a new level of kung fu.

(Liam doing Lohan Quan. When he finishes Darron comes up to him and pats him
on the shoulder.)
Darron: Whatever. Yeah. That was alright.
Liam: Please, Shifu. It's been nearly a year and I still haven't seen you do
even one form. You just keep saying 'Do it better', I don't even know what
you mean!!
Darron: Well Liam I will now bestow upon you the ultimate move of kung fu.
"The ultimate tiger dream fist of beauty."
Liam: I don't know if I can remember that,
Darron: Now watch carefully, dung beetle, I will show you only once. (Liam looks closely. Close up of Darron as he prepares. He moves his hands
and gives of a low humming sound. He steps around slowly. he then stops
abruptly.)
Darron: Are you sure you want this? It's kinda hard to do. I mean, the
weather isn't that good, and my arms hurt from sleeping badly.
Liam: Yes master wong, I must learn it!
Darron: Yeah ok. whatever.
(Darron flowers around a bit with his hands and chants pointlessly. He then
thrusts his hands foreword in 'the shocker' position.)
Liam: Woowwwww,
Darron: Use it wisely my friend. Pats liam on the shoulder and they both
laugh stupidly. The camera pans up to the moon.

Scene Three. Ashleys jaded montage.
(In restaurant or somewhere. Maybe the magic wok.)
Ashley VO : Things were so peaceful. But I drunk like a fish that was
thirsty, thirsty for booze. Constantly swirling and regurgitating curse words
and punches like an evil sprinkler of doom, with arms and a vocabulary. Ten
feet wide and six feet tall. With a hoseline made by Satan himself. Out of
the bones of dead paedophiles.
Waiter: Could I get you a drink?
Ashley: Whisky on the rocks. Make it a double.
Waiter: I think that you've had enough sir.
Ashley: I'll tell you when I've had enough!
Loud big man: Hey, I want some service here!
(Loud big man is sitting with some friend who are equally big and loud but
just laugh and snigger at the first guys remarks no matter how mundane and
necessary they are.)
Waiter: I'm coming sir!
Ashley: Keep your voice down!
Loud big man: Tough guy eh?
(Stands up. Walks over to Ashley.)
LBM: Let's say you buy me a drink, eh?
Ashley: ( In cheesy American sitcom, defiant cocky youngster way.) Let's say
you buy some breath mints, peee-yuuu
LBM: Oh, a comedian eh? Hey guys, lets show this punk some manners, eh?
Ashley: You wanna dance? Let's dance!
(Dance montage. Ashley busts out some moves and the boys can't keep up. I'm
thinking of having a rap about Ashley here too by some lame DJ, in a
Vanilla Ice in teenage mutant ninja turtles style*)
LBM: Wow, with all that dancing I can't even think about fighting anymore.
Eh?
Lackey #1: Nah, boss, neither can I!
LBM: Wow, you're one really tough guy to be able to pull off such fly
dance moves. Say! I'm tired of bossing these guys around, why don't you take
over as leader, eh?
Gang: Yeah!
Ashley: Sure, but you guys have to help me fight for honour and for justice!
Gang: Horrah!

Ashely VO: And that was how the Amazing five were formed. Amazing, because of
our talents. Me, the sharpshooter, Mickey - the staff, Carlos- for the
broadsword, Dave for the chain whip, and jack for the katana, but mainly for
making wise cracks to lighten the mood.
Mickey: Sure is cold here.
Jack: Yep, it's cold
(Everyone laughs.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Ashley rap- The rapper does it in a hardman urban style using huge
pointless gestures and putting in too much expression into what he's saying
trying to act out the lines as he's saying them.
*Smashley smashley
He's gonna cause a crashley
He's drinking some mashed tea
Where's he got a rash? Knee
I'm scared he's gonna bash me
Have you got some cash Lee?
He's actually just Ashley
He took out the trash? He

Smashley smashley
You'd better not scratch he
coz you'll get a bash, ye?
So you'd better dash, ye
Ya mother fuckers
(Rapper throws mic on the floor and walks off after it's done.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene four Amazing five headquarters
Ashely: The government refused to back us. We had to make do with the mere
basics if we were to continue.
Mickey: This is stupid, how the hell are we supposed to guard the country
against evil if all we have is this crappy garage?
Ashely: I don't know. I just don't know!
(Ashley picks up a dusty music box and opens it. As the music plays a
montage plays. The music is the only clear sound, everything else is
distorted slightly.)
(The montage is of Ashley and Ken building a kite, and laughing and playing,
having great fun. But the sentimentality is ruined by Ken saying "This kite
is going to be fucking wicked" Then it's them flying the kite, they look at
each other and smile cheesily. The scene returns to Ash holding the music
box and the music ending.
Ken VO: This kite is fucking wicked....
(The music box closes. An unconvincing tear runs down Ashes face.) Dave-Boss, are you okay?
Carlos: Guys, I think we'd better leave.
Jack: Yeah, you're right.
(The guys laugh uncontrollably, but hush it down.)
Carlos: Not now Jack, not now.
(Close up on Ashes lips as he whispers breathlessly: "Ken")

(More slides of past events. Masa killing Ken in slow motion.) Ashley VO: Ken was dead. We were sure. I was there for God's sake. I was
there and I let him die! Fuck-shit! I should have saved him! I had hit rock
bottom. I felt worse than a man who's just eaten a whole pie to himself. I
was low alright. But at the same time as I knew for sure that Ken was dead.
Something told me that he was about to make the most painful combat of all
time.

(Shot of hand raising from the grave.)

-----------------------------------------End of act
one-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Please turn cassette tape over and press play.

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