Liam's diary entry elevan

Diary entry number Eleven.

What the hell is a shell?

Every time I would have a Tae Kwon do lesson I would nearly pass out. I

think that I know why now. I'm a very tense person. Apparently. I don't know these things until people

tell me, but now a lot of people have told me,

I'm starting to think that they have a point.

In lessons today a new shifu took me to the side where we would normally do some insane punch routines that everyone despises because he just shouts 'Harder!' again and again. But for me he just told me to relax, which in all actuality I found to be a lot more difficult. I simply can't relax my shoulders to the extent that people want.

I can't really relax at all. This has various implications for kung fu as well as a lot of other things,

but in Kung Fu it can mean practicing well or wasting time training poorly.

I can't waste time here, because I know that in reality I don't have too

much. Back in Wing Chun also, Gary would always tell me to relax during Chi sou and punches and stuff. He told me that my Wing chun would improve 10 times if I just got a girlfriend.

I don't quite know how people always know that I don't have one, but I'll listen to a person as long as they are right.

So I've thought about things and I've come to realise that, No, I don't really ever relax. And It's killing me. Physically I'm always tense, so much so that I can barely throw a punch or a kick without it being hindered and rigid. I'm so tense and nervy that I can barely talk coherently.

Also when I relax, like resting on my bed, I aggravate myself with the fact that I'm not doing exercise, is this really relaxing? There is now real relaxation for me. At all.

Pleasures are always guilty. When I eat I feel bad because digestion halts training and it makes me gain weight.

Then when speaking to Dharma I relived the annoying moments of my past with Krishnan. Krishnan would tell me pretty much on a daily basis to 'come out of my shell.' I still don't know what he meant.

Dharma said that I would finally relax when I 'COME OUT OF MY SHELL'. I hate that. It was word for word Krishnan vagueness. I don't know what my shell is. What specific idiosyncrasies I do that people consider a 'shell' and how these contribute to my inability to relax (at all).

I asked Dharma what he meant by a shell. He said that it was something that I had to admit myself, and essentially I already knew.

Bastard. I had no idea what he was talking about, as self deceiving as that may sound.

There must be something that people see in me, and from this presume that have some kind of false self.

but I don't even know what this is.

God.

The thing is, is that I NEED to find out what this is. My training is so small now. I barely do anything. I wear myself out. I have no energy at all. And I need to get good. Quickly.

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