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Diary entry thirty-nine Entry something- February 20th 2005 That's right bitches, I've given you the date. See, I takes care of my hoes. I'm on a roll this week, I must have written about 6 hundred entries- FACT. I don't know what brought that on. My answer: dunno. Today I want to get going a project which I call 'Project: Help Liam get married to either Scarlet Johanson or Winona Ryder', which is an epic project with a few minor difficulties, which I'm sure we'll overcome in time. It'll take teamwork, and many of you may loose your lives. HOW IT WORKS: You, my loyal Liam-ists, go out onto the streets for a minimum of six hours a day screaming 'Hey, Scarlet Johanson, Hey Winona Ryder, get married to Liam!" I've calculated that if all 6 million of you scream this (Because I'm sure that 6 million people read what I write.) then it'll take about one week for somebody to find either one, or both of these ladies. Both would be better. Also statues of me will be erected in all crowded areas, and routine beatings will occur under my name. The rest, is Childs play. Whichever Liamist gets one of the girls here first will receive a worn item of my clothing, and a place in Liam-heaven, where all the cool people go when they die. (And we have Time Crisis 3.) Ok, back to informing people. Sigh. Today I'll tell you crazy cats about my week here. I did ages ago, but that was in Seping. Where weeks are crazy-boring-stupid-things that involved me getting no food and very little sleep. These weeks are cool. Monday- Forms, Forms, Sanda punching Mondays are when I have a lot of energy, because through the weekend I've been resting and/or taking anabolic steroids and other performance improving drugs. The forms that we do are nice and relaxed, it's the little things that we practice again and again and sometimes again. I still suck a surprisingly large amount at these things though. Really, yeesh. I think maybe we do them so often that I've lost interest. Man. And then Sanda punching which involves punching handheld pads in a variety of ways, and very rarely sparring. Sparring involves me getting hit by Stan because I suck at sparring, and then getting hit in the leg with a stick by Wei shifu, as punishment for Stan hitting me. I'm not sure how that works. Tuesday- Forms, forms, sanda kicking Mornings are the same, although by now I'm already tired out of my skull and maybe even suicidal, then again this could be because all of the downers I routinely take on Monday nights. Drugs are wrong, I just like the taste. The only difference is that in the afternoons we practice kicking the air and pads. And once again in sparring Stan kicks me and Wei Shifu hits me with sticks for being such a pansey. Wednesday- Jumps, gymnastics, and breakfalls Wednesdays are the kings of all days, mainly because we get to fly, or at least pretend to. We arrange the mats up and form a big ramp that we jump off of again and again, repeatedly damaging ourselves on every landing. We all have a big laugh at anyone who messes up, and points are given to those who show blood. Then we have breakfalls which involve falling against the ground in painful looking ways without actually hurting ourselves - But I do this with a special twist, by actually hurting myself. And sometimes we practice Sanda take-downs techniques which involve people kicking me in the shin - as far as I can see. Thursday- forms, REST, power training If Wednesdays are the kings of days, then Thursdays are the queens - Equally good, but with breasts: As in, we spend a lot of it watching porn. I kid, I kid. Thursdays we have a good ol' form session and then we have a lesson off, which I spend asleep because Thursdays we've all damaged ourselves during the previous days and we need a week off to recover - jokes on us though, we have ONE HOUR to recover. Hardcore. Than is power training where we slit our wrists and BLEED for Shifu's sick twisted enjoyment. Friday- Power stretching, forms, walking around throwing huge rocks at frozen lakes. Power stretching as I may have mentioned before involves you trying to stretch, and then Shifu pushing you down and bouncing you. It's great fun and the breakage heals, quite, quite quickly. And now it involves a new back stretch that both stretches your back AND bridges the gap between life and death momentarily. WAIT!! WAIT!! Stan is saying 'SUHH!' again and again. You had to know. You know, if Stan ever had a stroke or anything, I'd have no idea- I'd just turn my music up and try to ignore him. Then again I DO like music that much to do that to nearly anyone else. Then we have forms again. Afterwards we make the most of our freshly broken legs with a walk in the Chinese country side, where we pick up huge rocks and throw them at frozen lakes, drown puppies and chase elderly people down steep slippery hills. And get back in time for tea and biscuits, which are usually made with the blood and bones of seals- but specifically the ones that never meant anybody any harm. So you see folks, I AM better than you all. Case closed. THE INFLATABLE BEAR FORMERLY KNOWN AS 'KINGPIN'site sponsored by PPI Business NLP - NLP training and business performance coaching