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Diary entry thirty-four This weekends at Yantai I'm going to be buying my tickets home. I know it's a little early to do so, but I save money, which is good. So yes, this means that I must have chosen the date in which I want to return, doesn't it? Shame I'm sworn to secrecy. I've been training a bit more recently, but I'M STILL NOT AWAKE. If anything, this whole experience would be worth it for me if I could just come home a little more lively. The whole aspect of being told to do something rather than choosing to do it completely drains me. I'm understanding though the value of not resisting two factors, because energy is wasted between that, so I either completely choose to rest or completely choose to train. No conflict. Great. Another thing I hate, people telling me to come out of my shell. Earlier I wrote about that in a confused way, because at the time I actually cared, but now I see why it's so stupid. People telling you to get out of your shell are putting up their own shell by bringing the focus onto you. I don't have a shell, I just react, there isn't any premeditation like that. It's stupid. Plus it's mind numbingly arrogant for one person to decide that another person is being false or insecure. Do I have to explain things? Just because a person is quiet and thoughtless does not mean that they are insecure. People that are truly insecure are everywhere, and are a little too thoughtful to go and be quiet in a corner somewhere. They care too much so they talk too much. Arrogance and insecurity are the same thing, because both rely on the main focus of their attention to be on themselves. The difference is just presentation. I'm not insecure in the slightest. Truly I'm not. People label me insecure so they can try and feel like doctors and genius's by trying to cure me, but I couldn't care less. I so hate personality. Why do people bother? I'm ranting again, aren't I? Look if you want information on china or anything here it is: EVERYTHING in the world is incredibly mundane when you're actually part of it and have been for a long time. Life is life, It is routine it is a schedule, you'll break one and come to another one. The grass is always greener etc etc. You're not going to find anything of any value on a website because people write purely about what they care about, not what you care about. Things are different from the inside and the internet is not a looking glass into something of this scale. So as you may have noticed this page is now somewhat more about whatever the hell I'm thinking than it is a commentary on China. I just can't be bothered writing about China, I forget which things are interesting and all of that. I never cared, to be honest either, who does? About cultural differences and all of that. Doesn't mean anything. If people can live here so can you, be brave take a step.4AM
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