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Diary entry number Two. (04/07/2004) England
I've just started a PC game called Arcanum, and now I've just realised that I don't have the time left here to finish it.
This is the situation I'm in with a lot of things: projects, hobbies, relationships etc etc. Now that I'm finally free from school I have a lot of free time, but it's not really worth starting anything because I won't be able to finish it. I was wanting to start singing and piano lessons, get my a vocal coach for the band and stuff, but I guess that'll have to wait. Besides I don't really have much money these days.
I'm going in about three weeks, and I've realised now that I can't say goodbye to everyone that I wanted because I won't see them before then. I mean, it's the people that I like a lot but don't really have a very could attachment with, I'll probably be able to see most of my close friends. I'm planning to have some kind of goodbye party with my friends sometime, but it seems a little weird planning it myself.
As I said I've now left my school (Denbigh), and I don't really mind, which probably sounds insincere, but isn't. I didn't love it there. It was pretty fun in the last two years when we were all pretty much forced to get to know each other by the fact that most people had left by that point. We had the leaving prom, which I was very resistant to going to, but actually quite enjoyed. I was regretting buying a ticket so much so that I was trying to sell it from MSN. Luckily nobody bought it. The drinks there were extortionate and only a few of my friends actually went, but I had an alright time. I liked wearing a suit and having girls compliment me as vain as it may be, who doesn't?
But there was a bad point to the night. I had innocently said that one of the girls there that I was quite good friends with was 'pretty', which I don't really think is anything to cause a fuss over. But the friend of mine that I was with thought that I had a crush on her or something and asked me why I didn't ask her out or something. The answer that I should have given is that I just didn't want to. I mean this girl is nice and all, but pretty isn't really enough to go by. But instead , partly because I'd been drinking a little much I said that she would reject me, that's my default answer for anybody asking questions like that, and I think it's actually pretty valid. So because my friend was feeling sympathetic he decided to encourage me, asking all of the girls that we were sitting with for their encouragement, but this just turned into another situation where we dive into my concept of self, which I'm never amazingly comfortable with. All the table were talking about it around me as if I wasn't there and they twisted the story as they said it making out that I'd been in love with this girl for years or something, they were all slightly drunk. I became pretty depressed, this argument had indirectly brought up many of my insecurities as my friends tried to make me overcome them. I was quite drunk as I say and went into my whiny mood for the rest of the night as I complained about myself and leaned on my friends shoulder. I think that it made him quite uncomfortable.
But I swear that I DID enjoy it.
There was an awkward moment when this girl was talking to me at the end, so my friend left us alone where we just talked as friends do, and my friends were watching us through the glass expecting something. . Mass hysteria is a terrible thing.
Bad news. Good news. Masa is going in about two weeks to Japan. I think that he'll be back for the exams results (which I won't.) but I won't be able to see him. That sucks. I love Masa. Luckily though, because Masa is going to be living in Japan next year, and I have some time of from the academy, he's letting me stay at his place in Japan for a while. AHHH it's gonna be great!
Saké anyone?
-4am